So... I have a whole new site.. and not just for my blogs either.

The new site is still under development. But at least this blog site is now up and running.

So, what's new with me? Hmmmn...

Well, I'm still single... but the dry spell is over. Hahah! What I meant was that I'm going out now a lot more than I used to and I'm meeting a lot of new people.

And yeah... there's the sex, too. Hahahaha!

Just last night, I went to Blue Sapphire with Rain and Jonathan. Rain was supposed to bring along Hanz (my ex) because I was planning something wicked. Heheheh! Let me try to explain this kinda complicated situation...

Hanz and I were together for about 2 weeks during the early part of the year. After we broke up, we still hung out and even had sex. But it was clear, at least to me, that I'm never getting back together with him.

Anyways, even when we were already broken up, Hanz insisted that he doesn't have anyone. It was a lie of course. He had been with a few guys, maybe not official or anything, after we broke up. (I'm not even sure he wasn't with anybody else when he was with me, but that's beside the point.) It really didn't matter to me, though, if he had someone new. I mean, it's not like we're still together, right?

But for some reason, he lied to me about it... well, them, actually. Hahaha!

Jonathan is a kid that Rain met and fell in love with a few of months ago. He couldn't reciprocate Rain's feelings, though. But he's a sweet kid... really cute, too. Haha!

Anyways, since Hanz became Rain's boss a couple of months ago, they started hanging out as well. A few weeks ago, Rain invited Hanz to hang out with them at Jowee's. So, there was Hanz, Rain and Jonathan. And since I'm working in the same building, I joined them during my break.

That's when everything started between Hanz and Jonathan... after I left them to go back to work... right under Rain's nose. Before the night was over, Hanz already had Jonathan's number... a few days later, they became officially together... well, as official as any closeted relationships could be.

The thing is... Hanz convinced Jonathan not to tell anyone about them, to which the kid agreed. But the kid couldn't really contain his feelings. It was obvious on his Friendster profile that there was already something going on between him and Hanz.

Of course, it didn't go past by me. And it didn't go past by Rain either. It would really be hard not to notice, anyway.

Aside from that, Jonathan, knowing that Hanz and I used to be together, had started asking me questions about Hanz... primarily because Hanz was still being Hanz and he wanted to understand why.

And boy, did I give him a downlow! Haha!

So, Jonathan hesitated a bit, but finally admitted to me that he and Hanz were already together. But when I asked Hanz about it, he flat out denied it. (Kinda hard to ignore the text messages, though. Right, bby? Haha!)

So, I did the first wicked thing when I baited Hanz during that IM. I knew he'd deny it. I guess I already knew him too well. The next wicked thing was that I saved that chat and forwarded it to Jonathan. Then, even more wicked is that I asked Jonathan out that day... we just had a meal together and then went to see a movie and then spent the rest of the day together... some people would call that a date. But we couldn't call it that because he was still very much with Hanz that time. Hahaha!

To make it short, they were broken up a few days later... and I had Jonathan in my bed after another few days.

No, there's nothing really going on between Jonathan and me. We're just friends... with a lot of benefits. Heheh!

So, going back to last night... Rain was supposed to bring Hanz without him knowing that Jonathan would also be there. I just wanted him to squirm as he watched two of his exes getting it on. Hahahah!

Unfortunately, Hanz did a Hanz thing again... he canceled at the last minute.

Fortunately for me, I still got laid anyways. Hahah!

But I was so looking forward to a threesome... Well, maybe next time...

c",)

So… I’m kinda seeing this new guy at work.

I knew I liked him the first time I saw him. But there were just a few complications then. So I didn’t tell anyone how I felt. I mean, not one soul. And I never showed him, or anyone for that matter, how much I liked him.

Then, last Wednesday, after I found out that there would be a scheduled power outage in our area that would last for 9 freakin hours, I went with a few officemates to a drinking session sa Taft (sa Tafat ng SM — Haha!). Of course, he was there as well.

So, he sat beside me and about 3 or 4 Red Horse beers later, we were already holding hands. A couple of beers later and I already gave him the I’m-yours-if-you-want-me line. And before the day ended, I officially had a boyfriend.

In less that 24 hours, everybody in the office already knew about us.

And I haven’t even had sex with the guy yet!

I don’t really know what’s gotten into me. I never rush into a relationship… except for that one time almost 10 years ago with Bryan… and we all know that didn’t go very well for me.

Don’t get me wrong… I’m not saying I’m regretting this. This could be a good thing for me. I mean, I really have no idea how to be in a relationship. I don’t even know when to start panicking if my boyfriend isn’t texting (2 days or 3 days of no text?).

This is all so new to me.

Am I to consider his feelings and opinions now before I do something? Am I gonna need his approval? Am I supposed to be worried if he doesn’t text me often enough? And how often is “often enough”?

Damn! We haven’t even gone to an official first date yet! (Which was supposed to happen last Saturday if the fucker didn’t cancel on me at the last minute, which I really would have been pissed off if I wasn’t so sick that I couldn’t go anywhere or do anything this weekend anyway.)

I really didn’t think this through, did I?

But man… I was so happy last week that I couldn’t get that silly smile off my face.

Is it too early to initiate a first fight if it hasn’t been a week yet?

Hahaha! I am so screwed…

When I was newly promoted as TQA Supervisor over a year and a half ago, I was presented with a dilemma: I could use my new-found powers to advance the careers of someone who was close to me at the time… someone that I liked very much.

I could have used that power to have my way with him. And I probably wouldn’t have been questioned about it because I had the utmost trust of my superiors. But I didn’t.

I’ve always tried to steer clear of things that would put a question on my credibility. Even if it was unfair for other people. I don’t really care about what the general public thinks of me or the decisions I make. But I do care about what my subordinates and superiors think of me when it comes to how I conduct my business.

It’s important to me. And I take extra precautions to make sure that I conduct my personal and professional affairs separately. Like what my friend George said to me a while back… never shit in your own backyard. And I had always tried to conduct my business with that in mind.

Good thing about me is that I could deal with my professional and personal relationships separately. I mean, I could have a professional and personal relationship with someone and keep those relationships distinct and separate. I could reprimand a subordinate and still be friends with him. And I make sure that I treat my subordinates the same way whether they are personally close to me or not.

But the truth is… I’m only human. And I know in my heart if I wouldn’t be able to keep my personal feelings from my professional decisions. And that’s when I always make the decision to choose me over someone close to me.

Like I said, a year and a half ago I could have promoted someone I liked. He was qualified for the job, too. But the thing is, I knew I would have had given him small favors even if he didn’t ask for it. I would have had given him the best schedule… I would have had offered him offset RDs… I would have had let him off the hook if he was late… I would have had made excuses for him if he was absent… I would even have had offered him to report to Makati from time to time if I knew it would be more convenient for him even if he really had no business being there… and I would have had given him all the best trainings that the company could offer even if my other people deserved to have those trainings before he did.

And even if I really didn’t mean anything by it, I’m sure people, especially my people, would have noticed the little favors I would have given him. And I would have lost the respect that they have for me.

So, even if I wanted him to be so much closer to me, I was relieved when I was informed that he didn’t pass the HR process. I could’ve waived HR’s decision. I could’ve made a Policy Exemption for him. But I didn’t.

No matter how much I wanted him to succeed in his career… no matter how much I wanted him working close to me… I didn’t lift a single finger to help him out. I didn’t think it was worth it to lose the reputation that I had built in the last few years. When it comes down to it, I would always choose me.

I knew it was unfair for him. He would’ve been an excellent QA. But I don’t think it would be beneficial for him if people thought he only got his promotion because he was close to me. It would have hurt him in the long run, too. If ever he would get his promotion in the future, there should be no doubt that he got it because he worked hard for it and he deserved it. Not because he was close to me or anyone else.

Truth is, when it comes to me, the last thing one should do if one wants me to promote him is to become too identified with me. That was his mistake.

But I think he knows that now.

Like I said, if it’s just a random nobody who would question me, I wouldn’t give it a second thought. But I value my subordinates and my superiors’ opinion of me. My superiors assess my performance. And my performance is assessed through the performance of my subordinates. That’s why it pays to keep them happy. That’s why their opinions count above all else when it comes to work-related matters. That’s why they come first. Even if I had to sacrifice a friend’s career advancement.

I just don’t think it’s worth it.

It was kinda funny, really. I mean, the pathetic attempt to smear someone just because he got ahead so fast. It was nothing more than pure jealousy.

Green-eyed monster showing up in its ugliest form.

But it’s not terrifying at all. Like I said, it was, well… uhm… funny.

I could practically hear those people gritting their teeth as they shouted “This is so unfair!” at the top of their lungs.

News flash: Life is not fair. If it was, I would have had the perfect boyfriend that I’ve always wanted (haven’t I suffered enough?!?). But alas! I’m still single. You think that’s fair?

The thing that these people need to learn is that you don’t get ahead by playing fair; you get ahead by playing to your advantages… by capitalizing on your strengths and compensating for your weaknesses… by taking full advantage of opportunities that come along your way. And you would never get ahead by complaining about how unfair the world is.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Why don’t I start from the very beginning…

Arx is a really cute boy. No doubt about it. He is also a dog, but that’s another story. And he could probably get away with anything by just flashing his brilliant smile… well, almost anything.

The thing about Arx is that when he sets his mind to something, he would do everything to get it. And when he came out of his second PST, he set his sights on being a trainer.

I guess Clarence saw that fire in Arx’s eyes and took him under his wing. (I’m not sure, but that’s what I think.) So, Clarence started hanging out with Arx and his hot brother Lex, as well as their PST classmates. And when I feel like it, I hang out with them, too.

I guess it became apparent to everyone at work that Arx and his friends are very comfortable hanging around me and Clarence and that kinda sparked a little controversy.

And now that Arx is officially off the phone to be a Training Associate (a position that’s not really a promotion, but more like a training program for future trainers), it got even more controversial.

As soon as it was announced, a text message was sent to the Operations Director saying something like Arx was “promoted” because he was good-looking and he was close to “2 managers”.

Personally, I was insulted. My very first hate-text and I wasn’t even named! It’s like playing an important role in a movie but being tagged as Manager 1 in the credits (or is it Manager 2… I’m not really sure).

Funny thing is that I never really had a hand in that. I only found out that Arx was officially going for it when Clarence sent out the schedule for the Presentation and Final Interviews for the applicants. Besides, I don’t handle TQA concerns anymore, even if I still do have a significant influence over my previous team.

Even more ridiculous is that the texters made it sound like Arx is this dumb himbo who goes through life the easy way by just flaunting his looks. So not true.

If they even tried to get to know Arx at all, they’d find out that there is something in that beautiful head. It’s not an empty shell, I swear!

But they were right about one thing, though. By hanging out with Clarence and me, and the rest of the TQA officers, he did get an unfair advantage. I mean, when you hang out with the Masters long enough, their brilliance would eventually rub off on you.

A little tip here and there while casually talking about work during a drinking session could go a long way if you knew how to use those tips to your advantage.

SO, the questions remain…

Did Arx get the TA post because he was brilliant during the presentation and the interview? I have no idea. I wasn’t there.

Did Arx have an unfair advantage over the other hopefuls? I think he did have an advantage. Whether it was an unfair advantage or a fair advantage really depends on a person’s understanding of the situation. Personally, I don’t think it was unfair.

Was it unfair that Arx became a TA on his 3rd month as an agent? Well, I can see how someone who had been an agent for 2 years could see that as unfair. But then again, I had only been an agent for 3 months before I got offered the Trainer position in ACS. 6 months later, I became a Senior Trainer. 7 months after that, I became a TQA Supervisor. And after a year, I became a Shift Manager.

In less than 3 years in the Call Center Industry, I had been promoted 4 times! Was that unfair? Not if you worked your ass off to get where you wanna be.

The thing is, you’d never get anywhere if all you do is complain. Yeah, life is unfair. And there’s no use fighting it, really. You gotta learn how to use that “unfairness” to your advantage if you wanna be successful.

Besides, nobody likes a weasel. And nobody listens to a rat. At least nobody important.

Learn it. Love it. Live it.

I like green eyes. I used to wear green contact lenses that really looked perfect on me. Some even thought they were real. I guess I looked good in them as well.

But then, I wish they were just plain real… I wish my eyes were just green, not the boring dark brown that I have now. Then again, I doubt if I’d be contented if my eyes were really green. Maybe I’d be jealous of James Marsden’s beautiful blue eyes. Then, maybe I’d wish mine were blue as well.

The thing is, I always want something that I know I can’t have. Can’t help it. It’s human nature, I guess. Or, at least, my nature.

Then, there are things that I thought I want until I actually have them and I just totally lose interest. Take that bicycle I bought a few months ago. I thought I wanted it, so I bought it. Now, I don’t even use it anymore. It’s in my backyard gathering rust… probably. I mean, I haven’t even looked at it in a while.

And now I want something else. Or at least I think I do. I don’t know…

Last Friday, I was in one of my dark moods again. Maybe it was because my friends Arx and Sarah were acting like brats. Arx mostly. I mean, I could only take so much whining in a day, you know.

We were supposed to hang out at Clarence’s apartment after work, but I just opted not to join them. I mean, I wasn’t really invited personally anyways. It was just assumed that I was coming… or the invitation was relayed through the others… I forgot… it was one of those things. I guess sometimes it just bugs me when I’m not really the first pick. (Now, I’m being a brat. Haha!)

Nah, my dark mood wasn’t really because of that. After all, there were times when I was invited to a wedding or some party (with a real invitation), and I chose not to go just because I didn’t feel like it.

Maybe I didn’t join them Friday morning because Arx was holding some girl’s hand. I mean, part of the fun with regard to hanging out with this bunch is my overt flirtations with Arx. If he had a girl with him, that kinda diminishes the fun.

Then again, I wasn’t really in the mood to flirt with Arx last Friday because I was still pretty pissed at his whinings about his new team. Acting like some spoiled brat doesn’t really increase his pogi points.

Maybe I was just stressed out. After all, it was a pretty stressful week doing uhh… well, you know, like uhm… (what the fuck did I do last week?!?!?)

But then again, I had a full day and full night’s sleep last Friday. And then slept some more on Saturday. And then got invited again to a drinking session Sunday morning, which I turned down, too. I just didn’t feel like going out, is all.

Fuck! I need a major ego boost right about now. I’m feeling like the last kid picked on the playground… or the kid who was told to just stand under the hoops and look mean because he can’t be trusted with a basketball.

And the most frustrating thing about this is that I don’t have a fucking clue why I’m feeling this way. It’s not like I’m the King of Loserville… but I feel like the freakin’ Crowned Prince.

Aaarghh! I need to see a feel-good movie… Where the fuck is that High School Musical DVD when you need it?!?

It was already dark when I woke up. I flinched at the dancing lights coming from the TV, which I forgot to put to sleep mode a few hours earlier.

My bladder was screaming for release and my stomach was grumbling for food. I groaned loudly. I didn’t wanna get up if it weren’t for these natural necessities.

I still had quite a lot of cooked adobo in the fridge. And I also still had about 2 cups of rice. That would be enough for a satisfying meal.

I groaned again as I forced myself to stand up and get to the bathroom to relieve myself. After washing my hands, I took out the rice from the fridge and shoved it in the microwave. I also took out the adobo and put it on the table, awaiting its turn to be nuked.

I looked at the clock; it’s almost 7PM. Still early if I wanted to go out and have some fun. But then again, I still had to take a shower and dress up and pimp myself, which could take well over an hour. Then I’d have to catch the last bus to Manila if I wanted to have some serious fun (Lipa just doesn’t offer any place to have what I would call “fun”).

The annoying beeps of the microwave had drawn me out of my thoughts. The rice was ready; I just had to nuke the adobo and I’d be ready to eat. I shoved the adobo in the microwave and set it at 60% power and 3 minutes timer. I took a litro pack of Nestea Iced Tea and dissolved it in a liter of cold water as I waited for the adobo to be heated up.

“Maybe Adj and Rey would wanna go somewhere tonight,” I thought. But then again, how many times have I declined their invitations for a night out. It had been a very long time since I had gone out with my college friends. It was always one thing or another.

This is probably the only thing I hate about having a nocturnal job. You just can’t find a lot of time to go out with “normal” friends. And when I did have the time, I usually didn’t have the money to go and have some serious fun. Tough luck.

The beeps signaled that the adobo was ready. I sighed as I took it out of the microwave. I set the table and began eating.

I looked at my table. It could seat 6 people… but usually, there’s only 1 person in this table: me. I sighed.

Then, I laughed. I couldn’t help but laugh at myself for being so pathetic. There I was, eating alone… nowhere to go… and not even having the desire to go anywhere. Not even having the desire to talk with or text my friends. Not even having the desire to see or be seen by other people.

For some reason, having a Supernatural DVD marathon seemed more inviting.

And it was a Saturday night.

I laughed at myself again. No wonder I’m alone.

It’s been a while since I’d last updated my blogs and a lot of things have happened to me.

For one, I got promoted again.

At the time, I wanted the promotion. I mean, who wouldn’t? It’s progression, right? But recently, I’d been asking myself if I had made the right decision taking on this new job. I dunno… but WTF?!? it’s not like I could tell everybody to just give me my old job back. After all, they’ve already hired somebody to take over my old job.

I’ve been at it for a little over 2 months now. I’ve been feeling the pressure of the new job for that long as well. But I’ve only felt the money a week ago when the adjustment had finally kicked in.

So, I texted my sister and told her that I was going to Divi to buy myself some new clothes. Naturally, she wanted to come. And as it turned out, she bought a few blouses and I got myself tons of pirated DVD and a new cellphone. WTF?!? I didn’t even get a single article of clothing! Not even a new handkerchief.

It was her fault. She pointed out how cool that new China phone was for just P4,000. (Actually, it was only P3,800 but I paid the extra P200 just so I’d get the 1Gb memory card.

Now I have a new cool-looking, cheap phone with tons of features… and the complexity of a woman’s mind. The phone is fucking impossible to navigate!

And now I still have to buy at least a couple of new pants because for some reason, my mid-section keeps on getting bigger. I miss the days when I could eat tons of food and I wouldn’t gain an ounce. Now, if I eat another cup of rice I’d have to expect another inch on my waist. WTF?!?

Yeah, I know… I gotta start going to the gym again and get my weight under control. Gotta get back in shape. Just one problem… I have to find the right time to go to the gym so there wouldn’t be any cute guys there. Because if there are, then the only muscles that I’d be exercising are my eyes… and, well, probably the thing between my legs. WTF, right?

Besides, if I start going to the gym, I’d have to live healthy as well. And lately I’d been spending a lot of time drinking. Can’t help it. I’m a sucker for cute boys. And I really couldn’t say no when a cute guy asks me to hang out. Especially since the alternative is to simply stay home alone, watching the DVDs that I bought. That’s pathetic, I know. So, WTF?!? I’d take the beer belly and a couple of hours hanging out with Cutie even if he’s hopelessly straight.

But on the second thought, maybe I should go back to the gym and get myself back in shape. After all, I was able to hook up the last time I went to the gym. Maybe I’d get lucky again. Haha!

I know, I know… I gotta get a life. A new boyfriend to go with that would be nice, too. But WTF?!? Right this moment, I’d settle for a good lay.

I’ve been reading a lot of Nifty stories lately and I was kinda surprised at my reaction to some of them. I mean, it’s understandable if I get disappointed when it doesn’t turn out the way I want it to (i.e., the two main characters end up together in the end). But the thing is even if they do end up together, I still get a little disappointed if they don’t experience their first gay sex with each other.

I know having the love of your life be your first is kinda idealistic. I mean, I certainly have nothing ‘first’ to offer the love of my life when he comes, except, probably, my heart and soul. But I guess I just can’t get rid of the hopeless romantic in me.

I messed up almost all my firsts. I had real feelings with the first guy I sucked off. But the whole thing could practically be considered rape since he really didn’t want to do it with me. I got my first blow job with a guy I didn’t know. Same with my first wet kiss.

I had absolutely no feelings for the first guy I fucked. I didn’t even really liked him that much. But he was there, and I was horny. And the first time I got fucked? I was just curious and it didn’t look like it was gonna hurt all that much coz the guy had a pretty small dick. (I mean, come on, I had a bigger dick than that when I was 13!)

I was right. It didn’t hurt that much. At least not physically.

When I met and fell in love with Bryan, that’s when I wished I had waited. Even though Bryan wasn’t really crazy about butt-fucking (he liked getting blow-jobs; I liked getting both ass and head, still do), I still wished he was my first. Even though Bryan and I weren’t really meant for each other, at least I could’ve been in love with the guy who fucked me the first time.

But I can’t turn back time. Much as I want to.

Another thing that disappoints me a lot is when the two main characters share themselves with somebody else. When one cheats on the other or when they invite some other guy for a threesome, or worse, an orgy.

I’m not gonna be hypocritical about this. Having a threesome or an orgy IS fun and hot and kinky. But I really do think that it’s only okay when you’re not committed to somebody.

I don’t wanna sound uptight and I certainly wouldn’t impose this on anyone, but I know in my heart that when I commit myself to somebody, he’s gonna be the only one. I wouldn’t want anyone else touching me. I wouldn’t even flirt or mess around with another person. And I certainly wouldn’t want to share my man, either.

I know that sounds unrealistic. I mean, we’re men. We’re bound to slip up. It’s, like, imbedded in our genes.

And I could probably forgive my man if he would mess around with other guys as long as it would be purely physical and there would be no emotional attachment at all (doing it more than once with the same guy would kinda involves emotional attachment already). In fact, I would prefer him telling me about it (not the gory details, though) rather than lying to me about it. But, for sure, I would be very hurt and I would be very jealous.

As for me, I already had my fun. And I still could have my fun now that I’m still free. But I know in my heart that if the love of my life comes today, I would gladly give this all up in a heartbeat. And I know that I could stay true and committed to my man and only my man.

But then again, that’s just me.

The damn door was giving me a hard time unlocking it. I’ve been having this problem for a couple of months now. Something about the way the door was installed and the fact that it was so heavy.

I lifted it a little and tried turning the lock again. It worked!

I let out a sigh before I opened the door and invited him in my house. It wasn’t really my idea. Some friends from the office was trying to do some match-making. I guess they really don’t know me very well if they thought I’d really go for him.

I mean, he wasn’t bad-looking. Not at all. He was just… err, well… he just wasn’t my type is all.

I guess I was pushed against the wall in this situation. They had it all planned. It wasn’t my idea. I just found myself alone with him on the steps in front of my house and I couldn’t just tell him to bug off. So I invited him in without really knowing what to do with him and thinking of how to get rid of him and fast.

I asked him to sit on one of the chairs and offered him a drink. He said he didn’t want any. I was tempted to ask what the fuck did he want then. But I already knew the answer to that. Well, I had a good idea at the very least.

I was actually very, very tired. Except for a few minutes of sleep on the bus the day before, I had been up for about 40 hours straight. And then, we had a few drinks before we went home. So I was really dead beat.

But I had company. So I had to stay up for a while yet.

I lay myself down on the carpet of the living room while he sat on the chair across me. My eyes automatically shut, but my mind wouldn’t let me sleep.

I have company. That’s all I could think about.

"Looks like you’re tired," he said. "You could sleep if you want to."

"I can’t," I replied. "You might take advantage of me." Then I chuckled to let him know that it was only half meant.

He tried to carry on a conversation, half the time complaining that I was being too quiet. I just told him to tell me stories about himself, which he did for a while, telling me about himself and that he had been crushing on me for quite a while now and finally finding out that I was gay, too, and also looking for someone to be with. When he complained again about me not saying anything or asking him any questions, I asked the ultimate question:

"What do you really want from me?"

He fell silent. I had to prompt him several times before he said anything. He said he didn’t know what to say. He said he wanted his answer to sound deep.

"I don’t need a deep answer, I just want a truthful one," I said.

He breathed deeply before he finally said, "I want to get to know you better. I want to spend time with you. I want to get close to you. I want to hug you."

"You want to what?" I asked.

"You heard me," he replied.

I chuckled.

I told him to close the door and come to me. He did and he sat on the carpet beside me, with his back to me. I sat up and grabbed him from the back and dragged him on the floor with me. I put my arms around him.

"You said you wanted to hug me. Here’s your chance," I said.

He lay his head on my shoulder and wrapped his arm around my body. We stayed like that for a while. I closed my eyes and tried to enjoy his warm body pressed against mine.

I was enjoying the silence. But he spoke again, asking me what I want from him.

I didn’t say anything, hoping that he’d just shut the fuck up and just enjoy the moment.

But he didn’t.

"Shhh…" I tried to shush him up. But he persisted.

"Shut up. Just shut up," I said softly. But he wouldn’t.

So I started to tickle him all over. And I let my hand roam freely on his body as I began to kiss the side of his neck up to his ear.

He squirmed and moaned. But I was stronger than him and I kept him in place.

"You’re still not answering me," he complained again. "You don’t like me, do you?"

I sighed. I looked him in the eye and said, "Tell you what… Be my friend. Play with me if you want. But don’t fall in love with me. You’re just gonna get hurt."

"But why? Can’t you just give me a chance? Why can’t you love me?" he whined.

I sighed again. "It’s not something I can give you. Look, I’m not a good guy. I’m just gonna hurt you. Just trust me on this."

It went on for quite a while. He, being persistent, and me, trying to dissuade him.

"You know what’s gonna happen if I start dating you?" I finally said after his relentless begging. "I’m gonna date you for 2 to 3 weeks and then I’m gonna dump you."

"But you don’t know that for sure," he countered.

"Trust me, I know," I said. "I know me. I gonna get tired of you quickly. I told you I’m not a good guy. Just trust me on that."

But the more I told him the truth, the more he seemed to set his mind that he could change me. Finally, I just laughed at him.

"You know, you sound too much like a girl," I said. "You keep on hoping that you could change me when I’ve already told you what I am. I’m not a good guy and you’re just gonna get hurt if you fall for me."

He laughed.

"You should go home," I told him after a while. But he didn’t move.

"You should go home before I rape you," I said again. But he just giggled.

So I began groping him, touching his dick and making it hard. Then I groped his ass and grinded my dick against it. I began to unbutton his pants and slid my hand inside his boxers, finding its way to his dick.

I gave it a little squeeze as I began kissing his neck. Then, I began playing with the crack of his ass. I maneuvered him so that he was lying on his stomach. I lay on top of him, grinding my hard dick on his ass and continuing to suck on his neck.

I pushed hard, squeezing my dick on his ass before I whispered in his ear.

"Go home. I’m not gonna do this with you."

Then I stood up and went into my room. I changed clothes before I went out again. I saw him sitting on the carpet.

"C’mon," I said. "I’ll walk you to the gate."

I know that was harsh. But I also know that I have to be this big jerk with him. Otherwise, he’d think I’m this lovable guy and continue to fall for me. I couldn’t let him fall for me. Because I can’t give him what he wants. There’s nothing for him from my side.

I may not know a lot of things, but I know what I want. And it’s not him.

He texted me after he left. His final cry on the text message haunted me. Why can’t I just give him the 2-3 weeks?

He’s not the one for me. I know that deep within me. And I also know that being with him will just be a waste of my time… and his. So why bother? Besides, I have to keep myself free until "the one" finally comes to claim me.

Looking back, I probably would have fucked him if he didn’t express any interest in me aside from fucking. But he did. And I knew that if I fucked him, he would fall deeper and I couldn’t have that. I couldn’t lead him on. He’s a sweet guy after all.

Just not the guy for me.

So I wait.

Still.

I guess I’d been putting it off for a while. Talking about my birthday, I mean.

I’d love to put off my birthday all together, but I really couldn’t do that, could I? I mean, could anyone really postpone their birthday for one more year?

I guess I’m getting pretty sensitive about the topic of birthdays and age. After all, I’m not really young anymore. I’ve reached that point in the middle. Maybe I’m even already beyond it. And being at this point in my life makes me want to look back and evaluate my past.

Obviously, my lovelife’s a dud. I pretty much accepted the fact that I would never have the whole wife-and-kids package. Having absolutely no desire to have sex with women kinda puts that on the nearly impossible category. Falling in love with men who couldn’t love me the same way is the real killer, though. I mean, why the hell can’t I just fall for someone who’s already so much into me?

That’s one of my biggest character flaws, I suppose. Easy doesn’t cut it. There’s always gotta be complications.

I’m trying to be mature about it. But any way i think about it, it’s simply unfair for me to be single at this age. Why the fuck can’t I just fall in love with someone who loves me the same way and be finally happy?

Everything else in my life has started falling into place. I have my own house now. I’m doing well at work. I’m respected and admired by my peers. I’m supposed to be having the time of my life!

But I still feel empty.

Dammit! If you’re out there, will you please hurry it up? It’s been 31 years, for Pete’s sake! I’m not getting any younger!

I guess I should feel blessed for the things and people that I have in my life. The thing is, knowing about all the good things and the people who love me just kinda makes me think more about the thing that I’m missing.

I’m supposed to be living my life. So why do I feel stuck?

Is this it? Is this the so-called and much talked about mid-life crisis? Have I been sucked into the cliche?

I dunno. As far as I’m concerned, I’d been complaining incessantly about the same things for the past decade. I’m still complaining.

I’m still lonely as ever.

It’s Christmas and my family is staying with me in my new house. I should be happy. I should.

But I’m not. I still long for the day when I could spend this day with someone special. He would be with me and my family as we enjoy our Noche Buena together. We would be happy together.

I still feel like I’m missing a huge part of my life. I’m still incomplete. No matter how many house I buy; no matter how high up the corporate ladder I climb; or how much money I make… I would still long for him… the one who would complete me.

Until then, I’ll be stuck here… in the middle… waiting for him to come meet me half-way.

Will you hurry up, please?