03/11/08: Jerk
The damn door was giving me a hard time unlocking it. I’ve been having this problem for a couple of months now. Something about the way the door was installed and the fact that it was so heavy.
I lifted it a little and tried turning the lock again. It worked!
I let out a sigh before I opened the door and invited him in my house. It wasn’t really my idea. Some friends from the office was trying to do some match-making. I guess they really don’t know me very well if they thought I’d really go for him.
I mean, he wasn’t bad-looking. Not at all. He was just… err, well… he just wasn’t my type is all.
I guess I was pushed against the wall in this situation. They had it all planned. It wasn’t my idea. I just found myself alone with him on the steps in front of my house and I couldn’t just tell him to bug off. So I invited him in without really knowing what to do with him and thinking of how to get rid of him and fast.
I asked him to sit on one of the chairs and offered him a drink. He said he didn’t want any. I was tempted to ask what the fuck did he want then. But I already knew the answer to that. Well, I had a good idea at the very least.
I was actually very, very tired. Except for a few minutes of sleep on the bus the day before, I had been up for about 40 hours straight. And then, we had a few drinks before we went home. So I was really dead beat.
But I had company. So I had to stay up for a while yet.
I lay myself down on the carpet of the living room while he sat on the chair across me. My eyes automatically shut, but my mind wouldn’t let me sleep.
I have company. That’s all I could think about.
"Looks like you’re tired," he said. "You could sleep if you want to."
"I can’t," I replied. "You might take advantage of me." Then I chuckled to let him know that it was only half meant.
He tried to carry on a conversation, half the time complaining that I was being too quiet. I just told him to tell me stories about himself, which he did for a while, telling me about himself and that he had been crushing on me for quite a while now and finally finding out that I was gay, too, and also looking for someone to be with. When he complained again about me not saying anything or asking him any questions, I asked the ultimate question:
"What do you really want from me?"
He fell silent. I had to prompt him several times before he said anything. He said he didn’t know what to say. He said he wanted his answer to sound deep.
"I don’t need a deep answer, I just want a truthful one," I said.
He breathed deeply before he finally said, "I want to get to know you better. I want to spend time with you. I want to get close to you. I want to hug you."
"You want to what?" I asked.
"You heard me," he replied.
I chuckled.
I told him to close the door and come to me. He did and he sat on the carpet beside me, with his back to me. I sat up and grabbed him from the back and dragged him on the floor with me. I put my arms around him.
"You said you wanted to hug me. Here’s your chance," I said.
He lay his head on my shoulder and wrapped his arm around my body. We stayed like that for a while. I closed my eyes and tried to enjoy his warm body pressed against mine.
I was enjoying the silence. But he spoke again, asking me what I want from him.
I didn’t say anything, hoping that he’d just shut the fuck up and just enjoy the moment.
But he didn’t.
"Shhh…" I tried to shush him up. But he persisted.
"Shut up. Just shut up," I said softly. But he wouldn’t.
So I started to tickle him all over. And I let my hand roam freely on his body as I began to kiss the side of his neck up to his ear.
He squirmed and moaned. But I was stronger than him and I kept him in place.
"You’re still not answering me," he complained again. "You don’t like me, do you?"
I sighed. I looked him in the eye and said, "Tell you what… Be my friend. Play with me if you want. But don’t fall in love with me. You’re just gonna get hurt."
"But why? Can’t you just give me a chance? Why can’t you love me?" he whined.
I sighed again. "It’s not something I can give you. Look, I’m not a good guy. I’m just gonna hurt you. Just trust me on this."
It went on for quite a while. He, being persistent, and me, trying to dissuade him.
"You know what’s gonna happen if I start dating you?" I finally said after his relentless begging. "I’m gonna date you for 2 to 3 weeks and then I’m gonna dump you."
"But you don’t know that for sure," he countered.
"Trust me, I know," I said. "I know me. I gonna get tired of you quickly. I told you I’m not a good guy. Just trust me on that."
But the more I told him the truth, the more he seemed to set his mind that he could change me. Finally, I just laughed at him.
"You know, you sound too much like a girl," I said. "You keep on hoping that you could change me when I’ve already told you what I am. I’m not a good guy and you’re just gonna get hurt if you fall for me."
He laughed.
"You should go home," I told him after a while. But he didn’t move.
"You should go home before I rape you," I said again. But he just giggled.
So I began groping him, touching his dick and making it hard. Then I groped his ass and grinded my dick against it. I began to unbutton his pants and slid my hand inside his boxers, finding its way to his dick.
I gave it a little squeeze as I began kissing his neck. Then, I began playing with the crack of his ass. I maneuvered him so that he was lying on his stomach. I lay on top of him, grinding my hard dick on his ass and continuing to suck on his neck.
I pushed hard, squeezing my dick on his ass before I whispered in his ear.
"Go home. I’m not gonna do this with you."
Then I stood up and went into my room. I changed clothes before I went out again. I saw him sitting on the carpet.
"C’mon," I said. "I’ll walk you to the gate."
I know that was harsh. But I also know that I have to be this big jerk with him. Otherwise, he’d think I’m this lovable guy and continue to fall for me. I couldn’t let him fall for me. Because I can’t give him what he wants. There’s nothing for him from my side.
I may not know a lot of things, but I know what I want. And it’s not him.
He texted me after he left. His final cry on the text message haunted me. Why can’t I just give him the 2-3 weeks?
He’s not the one for me. I know that deep within me. And I also know that being with him will just be a waste of my time… and his. So why bother? Besides, I have to keep myself free until "the one" finally comes to claim me.
Looking back, I probably would have fucked him if he didn’t express any interest in me aside from fucking. But he did. And I knew that if I fucked him, he would fall deeper and I couldn’t have that. I couldn’t lead him on. He’s a sweet guy after all.
Just not the guy for me.
So I wait.
Still.
I lifted it a little and tried turning the lock again. It worked!
I let out a sigh before I opened the door and invited him in my house. It wasn’t really my idea. Some friends from the office was trying to do some match-making. I guess they really don’t know me very well if they thought I’d really go for him.
I mean, he wasn’t bad-looking. Not at all. He was just… err, well… he just wasn’t my type is all.
I guess I was pushed against the wall in this situation. They had it all planned. It wasn’t my idea. I just found myself alone with him on the steps in front of my house and I couldn’t just tell him to bug off. So I invited him in without really knowing what to do with him and thinking of how to get rid of him and fast.
I asked him to sit on one of the chairs and offered him a drink. He said he didn’t want any. I was tempted to ask what the fuck did he want then. But I already knew the answer to that. Well, I had a good idea at the very least.
I was actually very, very tired. Except for a few minutes of sleep on the bus the day before, I had been up for about 40 hours straight. And then, we had a few drinks before we went home. So I was really dead beat.
But I had company. So I had to stay up for a while yet.
I lay myself down on the carpet of the living room while he sat on the chair across me. My eyes automatically shut, but my mind wouldn’t let me sleep.
I have company. That’s all I could think about.
"Looks like you’re tired," he said. "You could sleep if you want to."
"I can’t," I replied. "You might take advantage of me." Then I chuckled to let him know that it was only half meant.
He tried to carry on a conversation, half the time complaining that I was being too quiet. I just told him to tell me stories about himself, which he did for a while, telling me about himself and that he had been crushing on me for quite a while now and finally finding out that I was gay, too, and also looking for someone to be with. When he complained again about me not saying anything or asking him any questions, I asked the ultimate question:
"What do you really want from me?"
He fell silent. I had to prompt him several times before he said anything. He said he didn’t know what to say. He said he wanted his answer to sound deep.
"I don’t need a deep answer, I just want a truthful one," I said.
He breathed deeply before he finally said, "I want to get to know you better. I want to spend time with you. I want to get close to you. I want to hug you."
"You want to what?" I asked.
"You heard me," he replied.
I chuckled.
I told him to close the door and come to me. He did and he sat on the carpet beside me, with his back to me. I sat up and grabbed him from the back and dragged him on the floor with me. I put my arms around him.
"You said you wanted to hug me. Here’s your chance," I said.
He lay his head on my shoulder and wrapped his arm around my body. We stayed like that for a while. I closed my eyes and tried to enjoy his warm body pressed against mine.
I was enjoying the silence. But he spoke again, asking me what I want from him.
I didn’t say anything, hoping that he’d just shut the fuck up and just enjoy the moment.
But he didn’t.
"Shhh…" I tried to shush him up. But he persisted.
"Shut up. Just shut up," I said softly. But he wouldn’t.
So I started to tickle him all over. And I let my hand roam freely on his body as I began to kiss the side of his neck up to his ear.
He squirmed and moaned. But I was stronger than him and I kept him in place.
"You’re still not answering me," he complained again. "You don’t like me, do you?"
I sighed. I looked him in the eye and said, "Tell you what… Be my friend. Play with me if you want. But don’t fall in love with me. You’re just gonna get hurt."
"But why? Can’t you just give me a chance? Why can’t you love me?" he whined.
I sighed again. "It’s not something I can give you. Look, I’m not a good guy. I’m just gonna hurt you. Just trust me on this."
It went on for quite a while. He, being persistent, and me, trying to dissuade him.
"You know what’s gonna happen if I start dating you?" I finally said after his relentless begging. "I’m gonna date you for 2 to 3 weeks and then I’m gonna dump you."
"But you don’t know that for sure," he countered.
"Trust me, I know," I said. "I know me. I gonna get tired of you quickly. I told you I’m not a good guy. Just trust me on that."
But the more I told him the truth, the more he seemed to set his mind that he could change me. Finally, I just laughed at him.
"You know, you sound too much like a girl," I said. "You keep on hoping that you could change me when I’ve already told you what I am. I’m not a good guy and you’re just gonna get hurt if you fall for me."
He laughed.
"You should go home," I told him after a while. But he didn’t move.
"You should go home before I rape you," I said again. But he just giggled.
So I began groping him, touching his dick and making it hard. Then I groped his ass and grinded my dick against it. I began to unbutton his pants and slid my hand inside his boxers, finding its way to his dick.
I gave it a little squeeze as I began kissing his neck. Then, I began playing with the crack of his ass. I maneuvered him so that he was lying on his stomach. I lay on top of him, grinding my hard dick on his ass and continuing to suck on his neck.
I pushed hard, squeezing my dick on his ass before I whispered in his ear.
"Go home. I’m not gonna do this with you."
Then I stood up and went into my room. I changed clothes before I went out again. I saw him sitting on the carpet.
"C’mon," I said. "I’ll walk you to the gate."
I know that was harsh. But I also know that I have to be this big jerk with him. Otherwise, he’d think I’m this lovable guy and continue to fall for me. I couldn’t let him fall for me. Because I can’t give him what he wants. There’s nothing for him from my side.
I may not know a lot of things, but I know what I want. And it’s not him.
He texted me after he left. His final cry on the text message haunted me. Why can’t I just give him the 2-3 weeks?
He’s not the one for me. I know that deep within me. And I also know that being with him will just be a waste of my time… and his. So why bother? Besides, I have to keep myself free until "the one" finally comes to claim me.
Looking back, I probably would have fucked him if he didn’t express any interest in me aside from fucking. But he did. And I knew that if I fucked him, he would fall deeper and I couldn’t have that. I couldn’t lead him on. He’s a sweet guy after all.
Just not the guy for me.
So I wait.
Still.
